Control

I didn't necessarily know what to title this blog post when I decided it was time to write some more generalities about my life. Pondering for a few minutes came up with this thing that I lack in my life and that I want back in quantities.  What a simple thing control is, but I do not feel like I have any.  My emotions run haywire every three seconds from happy, to depressed, to ho-hum, to angry, to ennui. I have ennui a lot, I find. I am unfortunately blah about the majority of the things I do and the people I see. I certainly have no control even of the hours I work even though the office is supposedly only open from 8:30 to 5:30, and I am supposed to take a lunch break. I don't have control over where I live because I don't make enough money to live on my own. I would either have to have a roommate or do what I'm doing and live with my parents while I wait for my husband to come home. Yeah, and then there's that. What am I supposed to do about having control over my own marriage, which is spent between two different countries with rare visits.  

Now, on the other hand, what is it that I do have in my control... The most basic is exactly where I place my person at any given time. What I stick in my emotionally schizophrenic mouth. What I wear everyday. Where my money goes. How many times I say I love you. How many times I say I'm sorry, and really mean it. How much time I spend with Medusa. My physical activity. Toenail polish color. The sad state of my laundry and "I will do this later" piles on my husband's desk. The cat box. What plays on iTunes. My bedtime. Not ever watching reality TV.

Maybe this is just a test. Maybe I just need to learn how to Let Go and Let God. Because I am to the point that the little things are not enough to satisfy my goals and desires for stability and consistency. I want to be that awesomely kind, patient, giving, happy person I know is buried somewhere deep, deep within my jaded, frustrated, depressed self. Am I to control how to dig myself out? Or do I drop all action entirely to eventually claw my way Closer to Fine?